The Quick Guide to Holiday Shopping
I'll be brief. I have to get going. It seems that I have fallen behind on my holiday shopping.
Perhaps I should have arranged for a guest columnist for December. You know the kind of person that would be good you might even be the type. The type that picks up one last (but of course perfect) gift on impulse in August. The type that starts next year's shopping on 12/26 and finishes by 9/30 at the latest. The type that wraps up early and I mean that literally -- in order to spend December weekends baking cookies, making wreaths, and writing individualized Christmas letters to their neighbors from 1972.
You may be that type. I am not.
I am the type of person taken by surprise every holiday season as if Christmas and Chanukah didn't happen every year. The type who screams back at the television "Whattya mean there are only three shopping days until Christmas?" The type that forgets that stores close early on Christmas Eve so that the employees can spend quality time with their families.
Because I am that type and because I want to do better this year, I really have to get to the shops. But before I do, I thought I would share a few thoughts based on the "do as I say not what I do" school of advice-giving.
1. You cannot outwait the rush.
When I was a little girl, and the youngest in the family, my parents had long since tired of enforcing bedtimes. Their laxity afforded me the opportunity to catch a lot of live TV dramas that contributed to my development into an eight-year-old existentialist. Among all the televised existential angst, however, an adaption of a novel called "Merry Christmas, Mr. Baxter" appeared. I am sure the book conveyed a deeper meaning but what appealed to my childish sensibilities was the sight of Mr. Baxter being jostled by the crowd in a major department store late on Christmas Eve while trying to do his shopping as he had planned after the rush. It didn't work for Mr. Baxter. It didn't work for me when I tried it. Trust me. It won't work for you. Shop early.
2. Eat before you go.
You know all those empty tables in the food court? They won't be empty. Figure you'll upgrade to one of the restaurants in the mall? Dream on. Think you can get a table in one of those cute restaurants in downtown shopping areas? Forget it. Believe you can wait until the lunch rush is over? No way. Even grabbing a cookie can be an ordeal in the Christmas rush. Don't combine shopping and eating unless you make a reservation. But remember, obtaining sustenance of any sort will slow you down. Eat before you leave and carry a bottle of water. Holiday shopping is not for the faint-hearted or the hungry.
3. Car pool.
I realize that I am stating the obvious . . . although at 1:17 PM on the Saturday before Christmas in 1994 I did get the first space outside the Bloomingdales in the Short Hills mall. However, I regard that event the same way I view the arrival of Haley's Comet in the night sky or the Publishers' Clearinghouse Prize Patrol at my front door. It will never happen again in my lifetime. Actually, in the case of the Publisher's Clearinghouse van it never really happened in the first place. That's not the point. The point is that it is highly improbable that you will find a parking space like the legendary spot I found. More likely you'll end up parking closer to your house than your destination. At best, your spot will require crossing a four-lane roadway full of angry drivers still reeling from their last attempt at parking. And, should you arrive after noon, forget parking on asphalt. If you're lucky, you might find a sliver of uncovered dirt in what appears to be an auxiliary parking lot-- until the cows come home. Remember the old saying, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem?" Don't drive to the mall alone.
4. Don't over do the "one for you, one for me" tactic.
I know it's tempting. When you buy your best friend that great red sweater, you can't help thinking how good it would look on you if not in red, at least in blue. Sure, one utilization of the "one for you, one for me" approach is fine. Even healthy. But when you discover that you own a duplicate of every item on your list including the flannel nightie you bought your great-grandmother it might be time to step back and examine your shopping habits. We all understand. It's easy to get carried away when Christmas shopping. Just try to exercise a bit of discretion.
5. On the other hand.
If you are romantically challenged, as I invariably am at the holiday season, you might want to adapt my plan. I figure if I had a boyfriend to buy gifts for, I would be very, very generous. Let me repeat that. Very generous. I expect that, in turn, my boyfriend would be very, very generous. Got it? Very generous. Since I don't have a boyfriend, I simply eliminate the middleman. I take the money I would spend on him, and spend it on myself buying those expensive and impractical items that only a romantic would purchase. Every year I am amazed at the incredible gifts that my boyfriend leaves under the tree.
Well, that's all the advice I have to offer. Guess you were expecting a list of ten. Maybe in January. But this is December. I can't spare the time. I have to go shopping.
This year, I might even take my own advice.
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