Excerpts from the Beach-Goer's Manual
Picking Your Spot on the Beach
Selecting just the right spot for your beach towel, chair, blanket or other gear (hereafter referred to collectively as beach blankets) can be the most stressful part of any day at the beach. The quest for the perfect location can damage your relationship with family, friends and the community at large. The issues involved in the search are complex and multifaceted. This guide is designed to support your decision making process so that your day at the beach can feel like -- well, a day at the beach. But remember, just as only you determine what constitutes the perfect spot for your beach towel, only you can decide what approach works for you.
The Basics of Beach Blanket Management
A. 1 The Linear Beach Blanket Model
This approach appears to be favored by people who arrive shortly after I do and fit their beach towels directly between my location and the ocean. The advantages of this arrangement are apparent only to those who end up in the position closest to the water. The disadvantages should be obvious. If, however, you do not find these truths to be self-evident, read on. Notice in the arrangement above, only one group of beach-goers gets to appreciate the full view of the Atlantic Ocean. All other groups (of varying sizes) are required to view the ocean's majesty through other beach-goers. The beach is not a bus stop. There is no reason to queue up. Think about it.
A.2 Clustered Beach Blanket Model
This model is preferred by parents of small children who require proximity to the lifeguard, teen-agers who require proximity to other members of their crowd, and anyone who doesn't take the time to look around and notice that the beach is a big place.
The advantages of the clustered model include the following.
The shade cast by nearby sunbathers saves money on sunscreen.
When the sand is brutally hot, you can jump from blanket to blanket on your way to your own. (This is a "pro" only to those in motion. It is actually a "con" to those already seated.)
The proximity of other sunbathers makes it more difficult for vacationing spies to trade nuclear secrets.
While preferable to the Linear Model, the Clustered Model also had disadvantages. These include, but are not limited to, problems with Frisbees and boom boxes, loud political arguments based on the ability to hear the conversations of nearby sunbathers, and the aforementioned difficulties associated with people jumping on your towel to avoid burning their feet on the sand.
A.3 Dispersed Beach Blanket Model
The disbursed model is the preferred model on beaches of distinction worldwide. Note that the distance between bathers allows for privacy. Even though many of us like to cluster near lifeguard stands so that we may swim in protected waters, there are advantages to spacing our groups along the beach. To summarize, this model makes it more difficult for the beach-goer to hear, smell, touch (accidentally) or offend (accidentally or intentionally) other sunbathers.
This model is noted for its flexibility. Below is a chart indicating the effect of late arrivals on this model.
Notice how in this flexible plan late arrivals in no way interfere with the pleasure of those beach-goers that have arrived earlier.
When selecting a spot on the beach, it is best to consider Model A.3, the dispersed beach blanket plan.
Handy Tips
Based on your grasp of the basics of beach blanket management, you are ready to choose your spot on the beach. Below are some tips for picking the spot that is perfect for you -- without arousing homicide tendencies in those who may choose a spot near yours.
1. Arrive early. No use sitting home worrying that someone might have grabbed that perfect spot. Get to the beach before the crowd arrives. Create a safety perimeter with extra blankets that cover more space than you actually need. When another group considers a spot within the what you consider your area, resort to scare tactics: play a boom box at maximum volume, accidentally flip a football or Frisbee in their direction, light a cigarette. (If choosing the smoking approach, take into consideration that a smoker will be relieved to find a spot where they too can smoke without recrimination.)
2. Arrive late. After most other bathers have selected their spots, you can survey the crowd and sit next to the least offensive group. Don't confuse empty and inoffensive. An extremely annoying group could return to empty beach towels. Be cautious when using this method. Evaluate each group carefully for several moments before making a decision.
3. Elect a beach-spot captain. You may want to consider empowering one individual within the group with the authority to select the spot. Once elected the beach-spot captain polls the group for each individual's preferences. Based on that information the beach captain summarizes the information and makes a decision for the group. Any discussion must be handled at that time. Once the discussion session is ended, the beach-spot captain leads the group to the beach. His decision is final and not subject to appeal. If you do not agree, become an independent.
4. Be prepared to move. Keep in mind that even though you feel that you have found the perfect spot, late arrivals could convert that dream spot into a nightmare. If you can't scare them off, you must either adjust or move. Only you can decide what to do.
5. Ask yourself the following questions:
Is the tide coming in or out?
Am I close enough to the lifeguard that I will be able to walk to the protected area to swim? Take into account the distance that you are actually able to walk. Although observation of the average public beach indicates that most would-be swimmers can walk no farther than ten feet, the actual figure is much higher. The space around the lifeguard stand is best reserved for families with small children. See Model A.2 (above) for more information.
Is there a spot where any of the beach-goers closest to me could have hidden a large boom box?
For more information on going to the beach, check other sections of this manual that address important beach-related issues such as:
Why the people on the next beach blanket do not need to know every detail of your vacation
Why you should not leave your beach-spot unattended when the tide is coming in
Why you should check the wind direction before shaking out your beach blanket
Why a beach towel soaked in a sudden storm is not easy to carry home
Why all beach-goers in the same town do not have the same musical taste
The beach belongs to all of us. Let's all enjoy it.
